July 28, 2008

I want to change

I've never been so emo. There are just so many problem that occurred. I wanna talk to somebody. But everyone seemed so busy and i dare not tell anyone. Sometimes, i also don't know what to say too. Like so many things, until i don't know where to start from. =(

I want to talk to someone. The main source of problem comes from her. I don't know who to talk to. I don't know what i want. I don't know how i should think. I don't know how i should be feeling now. It's just so troublesome.

Class School, dull as usual. I really kinda give up hope on school liao. I don't know how i should be feeling towards school now. Maybe it's just a place to mug and then CCA and then go home. I realli dun noe.

I hoped you'd called. But i guess my presence or not doesn't really matter to you now. I'm just yet another passerby. Maybe i was just thinking too much. Dreams, are never meant to come true.

~LoN3Ly M3~

July 27, 2008

Random

Did pw with my group just now and found that it's hard to work in 5. Really, it's either me or ben stoning and most of the time, it's me. I think.. Hahas, though ben was stoning for like 2+ hrs today and was wanting to go off earlier coz he's hungry. Had dinner with yi-chieh, ben, mindy and her buddy =)

It's not bad. At JE library, ben found this book and recommend me to read it. LOL



Anyway, PW was quite okay today. hahas. LOL.

~LoN3Ly M3~

July 26, 2008

Lost for words

I'm just lost for words for everything that happened. Maybe it's just me, but i'm beginning to hate everything that i have. That i used to have. That i will have.

Why the future too? Maybe I'm just not as optimistic now as i used to be. Maybe you changed me too much. I'm not optimistic at all now. I don't want to be like this, but it's just not beyond my control. I tried. I tried very hard. It's just not going to happen.

Maybe I'll be stuck like this for 2 years. I want to leave you all. I want to keep myself from everyone. I want to find this happy place where i can be. I know this Utopia can never be found. But there should be this better place for me. Than here.

In your heart, maybe i'm nothing. I wished i was something. Or still am something. But i dared not clarify. I dared not cross that line. I dared not try. I dared not confront. I'm so scared to be hurt now. "Loved like you've never been hurt", i think i can never be match for this phrase.

I'm sick and tired. Sick and tired of being myself. I want to change. To change for better or worse, it doesn't matter. I just want to change. People call me emo. But i think i'm special. Coz i am who i am.

I know there is no coherence in what i am typing. And i don't really care. I just want to type whatever is in my head and my heart now. I may not have another of these chances.

I don't know what's that special thing in my life now. I don't know what i want. Maybe i do, but i dared not get that thing that i want. I don't want any one of you to pity me or sympathise with me. It's not worth it and i don't need it. Maybe just leaving me to rot will be so much better. How many of you out there reads my blog and actually care? I know i don't.

People come and go. But only true friends leave a special something in your heart. You guys did come and go and left something here. But i dared not want it now. It hurts too much to take it.

~LoN3Ly M3~

July 14, 2008

ME!!!! PISCES

Other-worldly, ultra-sensitive and intuitive, you really need to be needed. Fantasy prone and alive in the world of your vivid imagination, you nevertheless suffer from fear of rejection and low self-esteem (although you hide this well in your efforts to create the ideal, loving environment for your loved ones). You seek a sensitive, soulful friend, but can be dazzled by appearances which scramble your naturally powerful radar and send you into a tailspin.



Pisces, a feminine sign, is tender and caring, but frequently subject to relationships where the other partner is domineering and uncaring. You submerge yourself in the experience of the other, which is okay, so long as that other is what he or she appears to be. In the event that your partner is truly sensitive, artistic (and preferably dying of consumption...), yet strong and caring (with a satisfactory income), you will soar on the wings of love and the relationship will be ecstatic and fulfilling to both parties.

On the other hand, should you have picked a rotten apple from the barrel, you'll prolong the agony to an interminable degree, for you will feel that you must have done something to deserve the misery and will flourish in the role of martyr. Ugh. If this happens to you, you must snap the chain of karma that has trapped you in the bubbling vat of despond and get out quickly before you drown. There are lots of really wonderful people out there who will sense your needs and return your emotional investment in the most glowing of terms...



Your emblem, the Fishes, shows your duality. The contrast between the opposing sides of your personality is quite startling. One side of you is heroically romantic, wistful, imaginative, sensitive, sexually fulfilled, perceptive, creative, intuitive, even transcendental, while the other is depressive, masochistic, suicidal, frustrated, guilt-ridden, filled with self-loathing and a general doormat. Moreover, you can flick from one to the other of these sides of your character and back again with alarming ease and rapidity! Pisces is a mutable sign, so you are best involved with a steadier, stronger personality who will tolerate and enjoy your romantic fantasies, yet still be there for you when the horrors strike deep in the night. There is no more loyal and caring lover than a piscean, but your need for emotional and sensual reassurance can lead to flirtations and dalliances that generate emotional instability. You are somewhat ambivalent in your sexuality and have been known to dabble in unusual relationships, including sexual explorations with members of the same sex and with multiple partners, group sex and of course you like nothing better than exploring your fantasies alone in the protected environment of self-stimulation.



Although you are the most loving and giving of the signs, your ability to select an inappropriate partner is legendary (bear this in mind as you suffer from the effects of delusion and haste). With the right partner, you are surely the ideal soul mate, lifelong friend and ally, although your sexuality reflects the needs of the other, to the extent that you can become confused as to what you really want and need. In the right relationship, your sexuality will blossom and become something of an artform, especially as you get a little older, more experienced and more confident.

~LoN3Ly M3~

July 13, 2008

亲爱的:
你知道吗?这2天我们没通电话,我想你就快想疯了,满脑子都是你的影子在身边围绕,真的不知道是为什么?我真好想离开这个地方,离开这个让我伤心欲决的地方````可是我放不下你,我舍不得离开,我该怎么办啊,亲爱的????
不知道为什么在你面前我的骄傲总是消失得无影无踪,但我从不觉得自己卑微,可怜,就算如此吧,我也依然愿意披着破碎的翅膀在你的天堂翱翔。我也曾多次问自己,你究竟是哪里好让我如此地义无返顾,就算迷失自己。


我们分开后,当我听到你和她又在一起的消息你知道我有多痛苦吗?我以为天塌了,我丢掉最后的自尊大哭起来,之前我还很傻的想要等你,因为有你给我的诺言。后来接二连三的听到你和她的消息,我是多恨你啊,恨你干嘛要爽约了约定,恨你干嘛不选择别人而偏偏是她??
我被你打败了,遍体鳞伤。。

离开你的这些日子你知道我多难傲吗?!整夜整夜地哭,整夜整夜地失眠,让从没有黑眼圈,眼蛋的我变得像熊猫,朋友们现在也多次对我说:你怎么这么憔悴啊!我笑了,无奈地笑了。我不怪你,这一切都是我自作自受~!

我害怕你再次的说:我们分手吧~!那么我得再像从前那样,再一次的用尽自己所有的力气来忘记你,你知道这有多累吗?有时候我会说出让自己都心疼的话,我害怕听到自己不愿意听到的答案,害怕自己又一次的痛哭起来``我真怕悲剧又在我们身上重演,我再也玩不起那种分分合合的游戏,也不敢再玩了。

亲爱的,你曾说:要是我们分开了,叫我站在原地等你回来。那你现在还会回来吗?

你知道吗?就算我这样的疲惫与痛苦,最上说着不在乎,可是你知道吗?我一直都还在等你回来,等你回来我们再一起逛街;再一起谈心;再一起过属于我们幸福的日子;再一起诉说着比彼此的梦想;再一次的依偎在你的怀里;再次听你说:我爱你!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~一起说着我们的承诺~!

亲爱的,你还会回来吗?我还在不听的问自己这样的问题,我真的很想知道你的答案,可是我却不敢问你,我害怕听到自己不愿意听到的结果,我真的好怕。

Adapted from internet essay. Was being bored and was reading. Came across this essay and thought that it is realli good.

I dun noe why. Ytd when i was reading a book, i cried. You must be thinking WTH right? I dun noe, i cried. Didnt cry for long already but the book, it made me cry. I felt so weird but i felt i wanted to cry and i did. Weird.. No explanation to why...

~LoN3Ly M3~

July 12, 2008

NJC Guitar Ensemble Concert

Sorry for not updating for so long. Been super busy with little/no sleep at all.

Was busy chionging all the project and homeworks. Finally got to sleep for like 7hrs ytd night. Yeah.

Ytd did go to school coz all councillors from NJ went to cheer for the canoeing finals and we did alright. Got 2 second and 1 first. Was quite sad coz i tink the canoe team realli trained very hard.



Was happy to spot some of my sec sch frens there. So happy. Haven been contacting them for quite some time. Saw leon, hilary, roy, joshua, timothy and some more =)




Managed to take photo with my two dear ex-classmate. So happy =D

Anyway, got home at 4+ and wanted to go flowers for jo, ben and wai and the rest of my CHS ppl. But then was so tired tt i practically was immobilised... Sian.. Then went for the concert then was like going to be late liao lar...

Some pics (didnt upload everything):






Until next time then =)

~HaPpY M3~

July 5, 2008

Promise!!!

I made a promise not to emo again. Next time you see me emo, give me a slap in the face and wake me up. I promise you wont get a chance to do it ;D

~LoN3Ly M3~

July 2, 2008

Happy Birthday Jia Jia

Okay, today is my mei mei's bdae. We (ben, jo and i) planned everything from monday and thought today was quite dumb coz si jia (i call her jia jia) is like so blur and she just anyhow walk in the school and spoil the fun.

The whole thing is suppose to be like she'll be walking alone in the school from canteen to the grandstand. Then she'll see the paper that will say, 'Haha, you've just been pranked'

Then normally, ppl will looks so sian. Then we are suppose to pull party poppers then give her like suprise. Then we lag. SIGH... Then the cake will be brought out. But nevertheless, the effect was somehow there. Just abit weird to spoil the 'mystery' part.Haha.

CAKE COMING!!!



NICE BDAE CAKE!!!
Blowing out the cake


Nice photo =)


I posted all these photos here but i bet she's going to kill me if she knows i put these photos here...

~LoN3Ly M3~